The Importance of Attitude

In our middle years, we are encouraged by society to place great value on agency. We celebrate people who take charge of their lives. We admire the go-getter, the person who knows what they want, and gets it done. This is obvious in work settings, where people with vision and drive are rewarded, and often make more money than others. Outside of work, we are encouraged to be all we can be, to have as much control over our destinies as we can. This is why we go on trips, why we leave home to chase our dreams, even why we divorce if our marriages have become unloving and painful.

But that equation of life with control becomes problematic in old age. No matter what kind of physical shape you are in, during the senior years, your body will begin to decline. We slow down. Our bodies take longer to heal from injuries. Joints wear out, and may need to be replaced. Hearing and eyesight are impaired after a lifetime of loyal service. Even the healthiest old people spend more time going to the doctor to deal with strange symptoms they never had before. For others, cancers and heart ailments disrupt the golden years. If your self-worth has been based on your ability to control yourself and others, then this time of life can feel like one long, humiliating period of subtraction. It can feel like every year you are less capable than you were the year before. Not a good place to be. Businessmen who thrived in a world they could control have told me many times that aging is not for sissies, and they find this time of life deeply unsatisfying.

But not all old people I have met feel this way. Some take the decline of their bodies with grace. They are not humiliated by their physical decline. Despite the aches, pains, and cancer scares, they maintain an interest in the world, and see its beauty. I have found this attitude more often in women than in men, although my sample size is too small to be considered scientific. These people see their lives as part of a greater, wonderful whole. They know that even when their lives have become more circumscribed, the world continues to have sparkling waters, blooming flowers, and sunny days. They are fascinated by the lives of their children and grandchildren. They feel life is worth living, even if they are now getting around using a walker in a long-term care home.

Old age poses a stark question: is your life about you, or something more? If it is only about you, then old age is humiliating, a time of slow-motion destruction. The world can feel like your enemy. But if our lives are about something more, then the physical decline of aging is not the most important aspect of this stage of life. The Sufi poet Rumi says “the body is pregnant with the soul till death.” If we understand that our little life has always been a part of a greater, cosmic whole, then our physical decline doesn’t matter as much. It’s okay to play the piccolo in an orchestra if the piece of music we perform is magnificent. We don’t need to be important, we just need to play our small part and take pleasure in the universe around us.

Research has shown that, on average, optimists live longer than pessimists. Churchgoers live seven years longer than people who do not attend church. Scholars suspect that these religious people find solace and healing in the idea that they are part of a larger, divine whole. They feel they are loved even when they lose physical and mental capacity. One’s attitude about life, what you believe your life is about, is critical in shaping how you will live, right up until the day you die.

So, if you hope to become an older person, take note. Your attitude now will play a decisive role in whether your sunset decades will be enjoyable or emotionally painful. There is always time to change. Realizing that you never had as much control as you thought is a good start. A little humility goes a long way. None of us can fully control what happens in old age, but we can consciously adopt attitudes which will make the experience richer and more rewarding. No one should be angry on their death bed. There is a better way, one you can start now, which will enrich your life long before you retire.

Peace.

-Rev. Stephen Milton

Lawrence Park Community Church, Toronto

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